Invisible Mountains

One more month. I can't tell whether time is going by fast or slow. There are times that it feels like both. The fact is that I've been here a while, but I can't lose sight of the fact that it's not over. I've been missing home A LOT lately and that sucks. Obviously I don't want to feel this way (in actuality I never thought I would very much) but have to deal with the fact that I do. I have to fight the temptation to just drudge through these last weeks only thinking about the end, and actually take full advantage of them. I know I've been here a while, and if it was over tomorrow would feel satisfied with the amount of time I've spent here and the amount I've learned. Turns out it's not over tomorrow and I don't think that's just an arbitrary thing. I'm here for 5 months (minus some change) and I think God intends to use all of that time. It's not like he only wanted me here for 4 months but could only find a 5 month program on the internet so I'm just stuck here to do whatever I feel for the next 4 weeks. No, I think that I'm here for the precise amount of time that he wants me to be here and I need to make myself available to him. I have to learn to be content despite any longings to be back with family and friends or even just the extra freedom that I have at home. God wants this next month and I'm going to try my best to give it to him.

As you might be able to tell from the first paragraph, I'm dealing with some stuff. As with just about everything else that I've experienced in my time here, I've never dealt with this situation before. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster of confusion. I haven't been able to wrap my head around much and actually tonight I sat down opened a word document and just started writing. Thankfully it help. I thought about just throwing that on here but it ended up being about 5 pages long so I'll just try to use some of the clarity that I gained from that exercise here. (If you do want to read a copy of that, just leave a comment with your e-mail, or e-mail me and ask.) I'll try to tap into most of the relevant stuff a little bit here.

As far as events in my life this weeks been pretty average. One thing that was pretty cool was a dinner that my non-traditional crops class organized. I guess this is a yearly tradition for the class. They choose a theme (non-traditional theme of course, meaning it's usually a typical food from a foreign country.) This year we decided to do fondue since we have an exchange student from Switzerland in the class. It was great. We all got together about a week in advance and did a little sample run through with all the food to make sure everything would work and what changes we needed to make for the real thing. We ate a lot. The menu consisted of a first course of Honduran fondue (refried beans mixed with melted mozzarella and served with tortilla chips) The second course was the typical cheese fondue with three types of cheese served with hard bread and veggies. Then we had the meat! mmmmm. Each group had their own pot of hot oil in which to cook pieces or raw steak and fresh shrimp. (There was lots of this left over in the back so us workers got our fill too) The desert consisted of a mixture of different fruits drizzled with chocolate fondue. (I'm getting hungry again) In addition to all of this we had student representatives from various countries performing traditional dances for the guest. It was really entertaining and they were really good. Overall it was a lot of fun and a big success as everyone repeatedly thanked us afterward.

In other food news I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner next Saturday. The American faculty members and their families apparently get together to celebrate holidays that they don't have here, and myself and the other American students get to tag along. I know it won't be the same as it is with family, but it'll be a nice taste of home and it'll be nice to speak in English for a night. (I'm noticing that a lot of my news from my time here has been about food.)

On a non edible note, however, is classes. With the semester drawing to an end it's time for big projects to be due. I have two rather large reports/presentations due within the next two weeks in my fourth year class (which ends in two weeks since the seniors will be graduating) and another presentation to add on top of that for another one of my classes. This will be the first time since I've been here that I'll be super loaded with strictly school work. I'm usually able to get enough motivation as due dates approach but will have to be a little more strategic with the twice a week trips to San Jose getting in the way.

As for the internal aspects of my life the past week or so, that's where it gets a little more confusing. I've noticed recently that I've been getting annoyed really easily and pretty often, which if you know me, isn't very characteristic. It really bothered me, and for obvious reasons I didn't like it. I thought I was turning into the scrooge or something. It seemed to me like I had been put in a room next to the most obnoxious people on campus and that I always had to sit by the people on the bus that would hang a little too far over the side of the armrest. Who knows, maybe I was being exposed to abnormal amount of inconveniences. What I did realize however, is that I was expecting everyone to accommodate me. I was doing a crappy job at loving everyone even if they're a little noise while I'm trying to sleep, or taking up more than their allotted space and encroaching into mine, or just anyone that isn't necessarily easy to love. God commands us to love as he loved, to die to ourselves, and to be servants and slaves to everyone (Mat. 20:26-28) I wasn't doing that and it was showing in my attitude, if even only to me.

So I've already used the word confusing a few times and nothing I've said so far seems to be that confusing. I don't even know how to explain why things are confusing other than to say that they are. Like with what I feel like God is trying to teach me lately. Well, the answer that I've come up with is precisely "confusion" or maybe put better, just not knowing. I definitely feel that God has been working in my life these past couple weeks and felt like he was teaching me. I just couldn't put into words or even know myself what was going on. Maybe I'm not supposed to. I think that's it. Or maybe it's not that I'm not supposed to, but rather it doesn't matter if I don't know what's going on or what God is doing. It's not required that I know what God is doing in order for him to do it. The only thing that I need to be worried about is being in right relation with him. I need to be pursuing my relationship with him and going to him and listening and obeying and nothing else matters. As long as I'm doing that and not trying to figure out what I think God should do or what I think is best, God is going to accomplish what he wants to accomplish. As long as I'm doing that, God can use me whether I'm aware of it or not. "I don't know" isn't always a wrong answer.

So I guess to wrap up I'd just like you guys to be praying for me. I hope you'd ask God to give me the strength to be strong and patient these next few weeks, that I'd keep my mind here and on him. I'm not saying that I'm not going to be looking forward to coming home and that that's not something I should be hopeful and joyful about, just that I don't want that to become the entirety of my remaining time. Pray for me in the little things like getting homework done and not wasting too much time on ESPN.com. Pray for my attitude and that I'll be able to love the people around me even if it's just for a quick bus trip. Pray that I would be able to be vulnerable to God to use this last month anyway he'd like. I miss you guys a lot and I know that it's going to be great when I see you again. I look forward to hearing from you all over these next few weeks and it always fills me with joy when i get to talk to you, but right now I'm here and I think that's exactly where God wants me to be. Let's finish well.

Happy Thanksgiving!